That last statement is factually incorrect, but if that got your attention or perhaps even got your ire up, then in the words of John McClane "you're not a part of the solution, you're a part of the problem. Quit being a part of the fucking problem and put the other guy back on"
The thing about bacon is that it tastes nice. It's meaty, salty, fatty. It's like there's a party in your mouth and EVERYONE is invited! Even Alice from 2B who I'm pretty sure only bathes every 8th Wednesday if it there is a gibbous moon in the sky and a dog howls thrice.
Wait. What?
YES! As I was saying, bacon has it's flaws. It's not actually the greatest thing ON EARTH! It doesn't go well with a lot of flavours, and, being quite strong, can over power subtler tastes and ruin a dish. My preferred way of eating bacon is on a bread roll with a fried egg and lots of ketchup. My grandmother once made me one of these "Bacon 'n' egg butties" as we called them, and upon my first bite, a mighty spray of yolk hit the wall on the opposite side of the room. That was epic.
But no one is here to fault eggs.
Had I been handed that sandwich with no egg or sauce, then I'd have turned up my snobby, childish nose. Why? Bacon is nice, but it ain't THAT nice. And I'm not the only person who thinks so. I can't be.
So why does everyone talk about bacon like it's the shit?
Simple: Because they've been bamboozled. BAMBOOZLED, SEZ I! "'Ow so, Guv?" asks little Timmy, the street urchin. "FUCK YOU, TIMMY!" is my retort.
Then I tell him a story called "The Emperor's New Groove" about a dude who get's turned in to a llama. Oh, how we laugh. Then I realise that, while Disney's animated comedy has a similar title to the story I meant to tell, it has a very different moral lesson. So we start again. By this time Little Timmy has left and I'm now talking to a belly dancing hippo named Barry. Possibly drinking absinthe. It's been a long day.
Don't worry, we're on the final streeeeeeeeeeetch.
There's this story by Little Hans Christian Andersen (The Little Mermaid, The Little Match Girl and Stuart Little) about an Emperor and his new duds.
An Emperor wants new threads so he can kick it in style. So he get's in these young trendy types and is all "Make me cool!" and they're, like, "Okay!"
So they takes his money and his materials, and they do fuck all. Maybe they teach a monkey to unicycle. Seems like a worthwhile endeavour.
Anyhoo, Emp is all "Where's ma new gear?" and they're all "Right here beeotch!"
So there is nothing there, but the trendy dudes explain that this shit is magical. Only wize, kickin', happenin' dudez can see dem, yo. A normal man, if taken in by such obvious bullshittery might question if having all his foolish, uneducated peasants see him in the buff because of the magic was that great a thing, but Emp ignores that and claims that, wait, yes, if he squints... Oh, yes, there the are. Righteous threads.
So the Emp goes out, bare arsed, walking amongst his loyal subjects who (also knowing about the magic and unwilling to draw attention to themselves and be thought fools) shout and cheer till one wee rascal points out that he can see the Emperor's junk.
Then they realise they can all see the Emperor's junk and boy, do they laugh.
"The Emperor shivered, for he suspected they were right. But he thought, "This procession has got to go on." So he walked more proudly than ever, as his noblemen held high the train that wasn't there at all."
And that's bacon. The Emperor's junk.
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"When Memes collide, it's the innocents that suffer." |
Someone (probably an American) has said "Man, dis bacun is da shiznit!" and then told his friends, who, thinking Humphrey (As good a name as any) was so cool, decided he must be right. So they make a ton of nasty bacon shit. Like ice cream and lubricants (For genitals, not machinery) and all sorts of other crazy shit. And everyone else sees these cool dudes going nuts for bacon and, not wanting to be thought fools, obsess over the hammy goodness. Soon it has the whole world in it's gamony grasp. It's become a meme. It's popular because it's popular.
Thing is, Humphrey is tool.
And so I take it upon myself, to stand and point and declare that bacon, while good...
Well...
It's not that good.
Frosting should taste of sugar. Milkshakes should taste of milk and synthetic carcinogenic flavouring and beef burgers should taste of reconstituted cow bits and chemical X.
You can all stop circle jerking over bacon! Take your bacon wrapped bacon burgers stuffed with bacon flavoured bacon with extra baconaise and ask yourself-
"Where the fuck did I go wrong?"
Then, for God's sake, EAT SOME CHICKEN!
It's way better.
◄Jamie►
